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Thread: Tell us a Joke

  1. #1
    The Black Swordsman
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    Tell us a Joke

    As the title says,

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
    Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

    "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

    Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

    "What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

    "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

    Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."
    ------------------------------------------


    CS player would love it!
    Last edited by Benjamin Takeyo; 10-07-2007 at 05:12 PM. Reason: Automerged Doublepost

    ¡ǝɹǝɥ
    1opı ǝsǝuɐdɐظ ɟo ǝɹnʇɔıd
    お母さん.. お父さん.. 先生.. 私.. 結婚.. 出来る? ..¡11ıʍ noʎ ..((; oɥ1 nʞ ʞǝʍǝɔ nʇı nʞǝɹnʇɐubıs ɐɯɐs ɹɐʇɐʌɐ ıp ɐpɐ buɐʎ 'ʎɐʍʎuɐ ...¡ɹǝuǝq ɐqoɔ WITHOUT TEH WIL 2 ADVANCA HUMANS R AS D3AD!!1!1 WTF

  2. #2
    The Patriot Kendoki's Avatar
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    A man walks into a bar and says "Ow"

  3. #3
    The Black Swordsman
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    Apple computers announced today the development of a computer chip that can be implanted into a woman's breast and play music.
    The I-Tit will cost $399 and is regarded as a major breakthrough as women are always moaning that men just stare at their tits and never listen to them.

    ------------------------------------------

    Installing Husband 1.0

    Dear Tech Support,

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance
    -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which
    operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, NRL 3.0, NSL 2.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

    Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

    What can I do?
    Signed, Desperate

    Dear Desperate:

    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package,
    while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

    Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

    But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

    Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

    Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.

    These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program but it does have
    limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You
    might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
    We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

    Good Luck,

    Tech Support

    ------------------------------------------

    The Neighbour and his Gold Fish..............
    Bob looked over the fence to see why his neighbour was digging.
    He inquired to his neighbour, "Why are you digging?"

    His neighbour said, 'My gold fish is dead."
    Then, Bob asked, "Isn't that a big hole for a fish?"

    The neighbour replied, "Well... your cat swallowed him."

    -----------------------------------

    A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers.

    The children began to say:

    "Red............cherry,"

    "Yellow.........lemon,"

    "Green..........lime,"

    "Orange.........orange,"

    Finally the teacher gave them all honey flavoured Lifesavers.

    After eating them none of the children could identify the taste.

    "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue; it's what your Mum may call your Dad."

    One little girl looked up in horror, spat her Lifesaver out and yelled at the other kids,

    "Oh My God!!! Spit them out, they're arseholes!"

    ---------------------------------------------

    One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

    "What's the problem, Eve?"

    "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

    "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

    "Lord, I am lonely and I'm sick to death of these apples."

    "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

    "What's a man, Lord?"

    "This man will be a flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

    "Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

    "Well, you can have him on one condition."

    "What's that, Lord?"

    "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret..."

    "You know, woman to woman."

    -------------------------------------------

    A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"
    Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
    "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
    "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
    So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.
    The boy calls his father again.
    "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
    "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!"
    "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
    "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
    And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem.
    When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
    When he gets home, his father is all excited.
    "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
    "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street? "
    The father says,"Damn; I hope you SHOT that lyin' dog!"
    "I sure did, Dad!"

    ----------------

    A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

    Broiled Missionary.. $10.00
    Fried Explorer......... $15.00
    Baked Politician...... $100.00

    The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

    The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're full of shit!"

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    After digging to the depth of 300m British archeologist find a piece of copper and they conclude that their civilization had been using copper wire for telecommunication at 300B.C. , following the announcement every country in the world dispatch their archeologist to explore their own country in hope to emulate the British discovery.

    The Chinese dug to the depth of 500m and found a piece of glass substrate,and therefore they conclude that the fiber optic had been used in China at 500B.C. Soon after the announcement, there rest of the world intensify their search in a bid to find something of their own.

    The Nigerian archeologist is currently at the depth of 500m and found nothing, they keep digging until the dept of 800m and still found nothing. Exhausted, with smile and pride they announce to the world that at 800B.C the African had used Wi-Fi

    ----------------------------------

    For years I prayed for a bike and then I realized praying doesn't work that way.

    So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness

    -------------------------------------------

    Q/ Why did the Koala Fall Out of the Tree?

    A/ It was dead!

    Q/ Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree?

    A/ It was tied to the first Koala!

    Q/ Why did the third Koala fall out of the tree?

    A/ Peer Pressure.

    Q/ Why did the Kangaroo fall out of the tree?

    A/ It Thought it was a Koala

    Q/ Why did the bar fridge fall out of the tree?

    A/ The Koala was carrying it

    Q/ Why did the tree fall over?

    A/ Got caught on the bar fridge.

    Q/ Why did the kid fall off the bike?

    A/ He was hit on the head by three falling Koalas a kangaroo and a fridge and a falling tree

    Q/ Why did the second kid fall from the bike?

    A/ It was a tandem bike.

    ------------------------

    I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
    reasons:
    I do physical labor.
    I work at great depths.
    I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
    I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
    I work in a damp environment.
    I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
    I work in high temperatures.
    My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

    Sincerely,
    P. Niss

    The Response:

    Dear Penis:
    After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
    raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
    reasons:

    You do not work 8 hours straight.
    You fall asleep after brief work periods.
    You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
    You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
    other locations.
    You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
    order to start working.
    You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

    You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
    the correct protective clothing.

    You will retire well before you are 65.
    You are unable to work double shifts.
    You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
    assigned task.
    And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
    exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

    Sincerely,
    V. Gina

    ---------

    Lawyers should never ask a southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

    In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

    He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

    She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.

    I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

    You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.

    You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

    Yes, I know you."

    The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

    She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.

    He's lazy, bigoted, boring and he has a drinking problem.

    He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.

    Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.

    Yes, I know him."

    The defence attorney almost died.

    The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

    -----------------------------

    What do you do if your Girlfriend starts smoking?
    *
    *
    *
    *
    Use some lubricant and take it a little slower

    --------------------------------------------

    An Irish man walks into a library and shouts 'GIVE ME A BLOODY GUINNESS'.

    The shocked librarian says back 'Excuse me Sir but this is a library!'

    The Irishman then whispers quietly 'Oh sorry - can I have a Guinness please'

    ---------

    A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm.
    As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
    "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
    "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
    The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

    ------------------

    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

    She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

    He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

    Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

    He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
    She quietly called him over to her.

    Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

    Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

    Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

    Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

    Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

    ------------------
    Last edited by Benjamin Takeyo; 10-07-2007 at 06:01 PM. Reason: Automerged Doublepost

    ¡ǝɹǝɥ
    1opı ǝsǝuɐdɐظ ɟo ǝɹnʇɔıd
    お母さん.. お父さん.. 先生.. 私.. 結婚.. 出来る? ..¡11ıʍ noʎ ..((; oɥ1 nʞ ʞǝʍǝɔ nʇı nʞǝɹnʇɐubıs ɐɯɐs ɹɐʇɐʌɐ ıp ɐpɐ buɐʎ 'ʎɐʍʎuɐ ...¡ɹǝuǝq ɐqoɔ WITHOUT TEH WIL 2 ADVANCA HUMANS R AS D3AD!!1!1 WTF

  4. #4
    The Black Swordsman
    Join Date
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    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

    "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

    "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

    "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

    "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "

    After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

    "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

    "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

    "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

    "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

    "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

    "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."

    "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

    "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

    "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

    "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"

    "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

    "Tripod?"

    "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."

    With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.

    -----------------------------

    A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young student nurse walks in to sponge his hands and feet.

    "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

    Embarrassed, the young student replies, "I don't know I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

    He struggles again to ask,"Nurse are my testicles black?"

    Reluctantly she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, cups his testicles gently in her hands and has a look.

    She says,"There is nothing wrong with them sir."

    Finally the man pulls off his oxygen mask and says, "That was very nice nurse but are my test results back?"

    ----------------------------------

    Some guy meets a lady on the streets outside his house. He asked her to go inside, but the lady goes," No I'm in a hurry" but then he goes, " Come on i just want to show you something" she then insisted.
    He asked her to go upstairs to his bedroom, she didnt want to but she did. Then the guy goes go under my blanket, Just go. She did. The guy then goes under the blanket after her, And said . . . . .

    " look my watch glows"

    ------------------------

    illy People On The Computer...

    Any time you feel silly, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton.
    Lots of people are sillier than you.

    1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.

    2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

    3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.

    4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

    5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

    6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

    7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

    8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

    9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

    10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

    11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

    12. Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Two freshman philosophy students see the following bulletin posted on the wall of their lecture hall:

    Crash Course in Logical Assumptions
    Saturday, September 26, 1998, All Day

    Neither of them knows what it means and they are both curious. The pair decide to find the professor and ask some questions. When they locate the professor's office, the bolder of the two enter the building while the other remains outside.

    Student: "Uh...Sir..What does Crash Course in Logical Assumptions mean?"
    Professor: "Well, it involves taking information that you have, forming assumptions using logic, and then creating new information. Let me try to answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
    Student: "Uh...Yes, I do."

    Professor: "Well, then I can now logically assume that you drive."
    Student: "Yes, I drive. "

    Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you drive on weekends."
    Student: "Yeah, I drive on weekends, I go out on dates."

    Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you have date partners."
    Student: "Well, yes, I have a girlfriend."

    Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."
    Student: "Uh...hell yes! OK, I think I understand what this course is about now. Thanks a lot for your time."

    Once back outside, his friend asks him: "So, what's it all about?"
    "Its about using information and stuff...Let me answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
    "No."
    "Uh...Then you're homosexual, dude!"

    ------------------------------------

    "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.."
    "But we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"
    "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"

    -----------------------------------------------------------------


    It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
    "What are my choices?" he asked.
    "Yes or No," she replied.

    ------------------------

    A Broom Factory...

    A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory.
    After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice.
    The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was a hard worker, knew her tasks, etc.

    He called her into his office, "But why?" he asked.

    "Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.

    The boss added, "Look, I'll give you a raise."

    "No," she said

    "You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me," he said.

    "Okay if you must know..." said the girl.

    She took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair -- "Look I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."

    Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his.
    He said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...."

    "Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now!"
    "Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    A grumpy old man walks into a local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I wanna join this damn church."

    The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

    "Listen up, dammit. I said I want to join this damn church!"

    "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

    "There IS no damn problem!," the man says. "Looky here, I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

    "I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

    The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

    "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

    The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

    On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jeez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

    The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    Last edited by Benjamin Takeyo; 10-07-2007 at 06:30 PM.

    ¡ǝɹǝɥ
    1opı ǝsǝuɐdɐظ ɟo ǝɹnʇɔıd
    お母さん.. お父さん.. 先生.. 私.. 結婚.. 出来る? ..¡11ıʍ noʎ ..((; oɥ1 nʞ ʞǝʍǝɔ nʇı nʞǝɹnʇɐubıs ɐɯɐs ɹɐʇɐʌɐ ıp ɐpɐ buɐʎ 'ʎɐʍʎuɐ ...¡ɹǝuǝq ɐqoɔ WITHOUT TEH WIL 2 ADVANCA HUMANS R AS D3AD!!1!1 WTF

  5. #5
    どうしてこうなった! Sangaz's Avatar
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    Sep 2007
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    Nottinghamshire
    Posts
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    Q. There's Three tampons walking down the street, one Light one regular and one super, you wave at them. Which one waves back?

    A. None thier all Stuck up cunts

    Tastless i know

  6. #6
    The Black Swordsman
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Posts
    178

    What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?

    For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
    Australians, Americans, British or Canadians.

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than
    the Australians, Americans, British or Canadians.

    3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
    than the Australians, Americans, British or Canadians.

    4. The Italians drink large amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart
    attacks than the Australians, Americans, British or Canadians.

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
    suffer fewer heart attacks than the Australians, Americans, British or Canadians.

    6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of pierogi and cabbage rolls and
    suffer fewer heart attacks than the Australians, Americans, British or Canadians.

    CONCLUSION:
    Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Got this in my email.....

    ATTENTION
    ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

    YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.

    -------------------------------------------------------

    Peopling The Earth

    A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

    "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

    "That's nothing!' said the Baptist. "I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

    "You both should be ashamed of yourselves!" said the Mormon. "I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

    ------------------------------------

    What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?

    One of them is organized.

    ------------------------

    A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

    Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

    He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

    When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

    When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

    The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

    After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler."

    ----------------------

    First Class Blondie

    A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

    The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

    Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

    Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

    The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

    She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

    He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    Italian Mother

    Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.

    During the course of the meal, Momma can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.

    Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."

    About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

    "Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email:

    "Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
    Love,
    Anthony"

    Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma.

    "Figlio mio, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now."

    -----------------------------------------

    Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

    The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man
    on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
    The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

    Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

    The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

    Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

    The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

    Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5M news and so I knew he would jump."

    The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

    Bob took the money ...

    ------------------------

    Doctor's Appointment

    One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

    The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

    The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

    This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Supermarket Mother

    A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

    "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."

    "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

    "Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."

    "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"

    As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

    "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    The Engineer and the Bike

    Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

    The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

    -----------

    Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this:

    A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston.

    After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

    They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

    The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

    When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

    The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

    "But we didn't use them," the man complains.

    "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

    He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

    "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

    "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

    No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

    The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

    He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50."

    "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."

    "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

    "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------

    At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono asks the audience for some quiet.
    Then in silence he starts to slowly clap his hands.
    Holding the audience in total silence he says into the microphone,
    "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies"
    A voice from near the front pierces the silence,
    "Well, stop doing it then!"

    ------------------------

    While the Cat's Away

    A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

    They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

    "Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

    She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

    "Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

    ----------------------------------

    Day1:
    A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
    Mum replies: "yes dear"

    Day 2:
    "We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
    Mum replies: "yes dear"

    Day 3:
    "We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
    Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25.

    ¡ǝɹǝɥ
    1opı ǝsǝuɐdɐظ ɟo ǝɹnʇɔıd
    お母さん.. お父さん.. 先生.. 私.. 結婚.. 出来る? ..¡11ıʍ noʎ ..((; oɥ1 nʞ ʞǝʍǝɔ nʇı nʞǝɹnʇɐubıs ɐɯɐs ɹɐʇɐʌɐ ıp ɐpɐ buɐʎ 'ʎɐʍʎuɐ ...¡ɹǝuǝq ɐqoɔ WITHOUT TEH WIL 2 ADVANCA HUMANS R AS D3AD!!1!1 WTF

  7. #7
    The Black Swordsman
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Posts
    178
    ------------------------------------------

    Applying for a Job at the CIA - an old joke, but still good for a laugh

    A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

    The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

    So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

    "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, bashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

    The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

    -----------------------------------------

    What is the shortest book ever published?

    French Military Heroes

    What is the longest book ever published?

    French Military Defeats

    -----------------------

    ¡ǝɹǝɥ
    1opı ǝsǝuɐdɐظ ɟo ǝɹnʇɔıd
    お母さん.. お父さん.. 先生.. 私.. 結婚.. 出来る? ..¡11ıʍ noʎ ..((; oɥ1 nʞ ʞǝʍǝɔ nʇı nʞǝɹnʇɐubıs ɐɯɐs ɹɐʇɐʌɐ ıp ɐpɐ buɐʎ 'ʎɐʍʎuɐ ...¡ɹǝuǝq ɐqoɔ WITHOUT TEH WIL 2 ADVANCA HUMANS R AS D3AD!!1!1 WTF

  8. #8
    Weapon X Wolverine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Jolly ol' England
    Posts
    2,351
    What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean?Nothing, it just waved.

    A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. Alarge wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top.She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said,"Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one withthe brown nose."

  9. #9
    lol Uchiha Gameboy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    1,127
    how many uchihas does it take to lose to shodai?

    2, One to obtain Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan and another to have his eyes stolen.

    how many uchiha does it take to kill an uchiha clan?

    2, one to kill all the tough guys and one to MS torture sasuke

    Originally posted by Howdy
    Do you idiots honestly think that Kishimoto will waste our time showing us a crippled Nagato lying in a hospital bed that Naruto can defeat just by switching off his life support machine?

  10. #10
    Sshheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee thsv's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    London, UK
    Posts
    3,284
    Man says to his wife "I just spoke to our postman. He reckons he's spelt with all but one of the women in our street."

    To which she replies "I bet its that arrogant bitch at number 34"
    Quote Originally Posted by Hand Banana View Post
    If Pow wrote the manga it would be accurate as fuck lol. I stand behind Pow(while humping his leg) on this one.
    Troll Tagged by Uzumaki_Tim

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