Hello folks!! As my first act as returning Doctah, I will be refuting the claims of hard, right-winged Christians about the dangers of masturbation!. It might be tough seeing as they have solid evidence.
Let's begin.
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Masturbation is more dangerous than smoking. Doctors of a generation ago knew this, but since the Sexual Revolution of the 1960's, this fact has been lost in the "if it feels good, do it" mentality.
If a sexual revolution in the 1960's did indeed occur, why was there a need for masturbation? People would have been screwing left and right, and the need for ol' righty would've been abolished!
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Myth: Masturbation is harmless.
Reality: Christianity proves that chronic Masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness.
...I admit this one is solid. Constant ejaculation leads to weakness. Masturbation is followed by depression due to the fact that you've just made love to your right hand again, and not a vagina, and forgetfulness occurs as in about three hours, you'll forget all the regret from the depression phase and be dancing with the right palm again. Nearsightedness...yes, this is indeed a controversial one. Whilst possibly true for men, as ejaculation to the eyes will cause ocular damage, most women do not squirt and therefore could not damage their eyes...unless they..stab themselves with a dildo or something...further investigation is being conducted.
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Myth: There are bigger problems than Masturbation, like drugs and AIDS.
Reality: Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW! Masturbation costs American businesses at least $3.14 billion in lost productivity every month!
So...Americans only work and masturbate. Time spent masturbating is time nto spent working. Wait..that's not true. So unless people are all masturbating at their work places (in which case I'll be sending my resume) this just isn't true. 150,000 Americans are masturbating right now...did you know that that means about 300989947 Americans aren't masturbating right now? Obviously the Christians are already winning the battle!!
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Myth: Masturbation is a "Victimless Crime."
Reality: Theological experts on Masturbation have come to the conclusion that Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin. This means that Masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators.
In other news, most billionaires and world leaders also started out as Masturbators...sure would hate to get some of that...
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Myth: Americans value their "Freedom" and will never stand for Masturbation being outlawed.
Reality: Oral and anal sex are already illegal in several States, and people like it that way! Masturbatory devices are already illegal in Texas, and the Police in San Antonio and Austin have aggressively enforced this law,
This simply isn't true. If it was, both redsquirrel and mister_death would have been beaten for their excessive use of dildos.
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even going as far as to torture clerks that worked in stores that sold indecently-shaped soap and candles, and there has been no public outcry.
Torture by anal penetration with said candles and indecently shaped soaps...
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Myth: But everyone's doing it!
Reality: Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't Masturbate.
Statistics are inaccurate because 95% of the surveyors were masturbating at the time and had to falsify their data.
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1. "Personal Vibrators" and other Masturbatory devices such as dildos and blow-up dolls. ALL candles, no matter what their shape, must be banned.
..What the hell are impersonal vibrators and where can I get one.
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2. ALL indecent art. This includes paintings, sculptures and photographs. We don't need the Victoria's Secret catalog! Simple, modest underwear would sell itself and minimize unGodly temptations.
Do they realize the statue of david is of a naked person? NAKED I SAY!!! If they put this in motion, they might notice the statue of david receiving a lot more attention...
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3. Certain food. If we outlaw dildos and require that all sausages, cucumbers and carrots be sold pre-sliced, we will make it much easier for the women among us to resist the temptation to Masturbate.
While we're at it, ban bananas, outlaw bottles, phones, baseball bats...basically anything longer than three inches which looks like it can be shoved up a vagina. Oh, and let's not forget to outlaw crosses, I've seen those things go in unspeakable places...
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Zero Tolerance! Zero Tolerance has been a rallying cry in the War On Drugs, and is a policy that should be enacted immediately in the War On Masturbation! Any amount of Masturbation is too much! Any person caught touching his or her genitals without a solid, medically-approved reason should be imprisoned in a boot camp. We will teach our children that God did not give us genitals for entertainment.
No..God obviously gave us genitals so they should only be used for procreation. Wait...then shouldn't they have some sorta seal on them most of the time? Imagine having your genitals tied up until you were married so you could legally (by religion) have sex.
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urgery: Certain supposedly "primitive" tribes in Africa have completely eliminated Masturbation among their women! How was this amazing feat accomplished? Through a very simple operation called a Clitoridectomy, which is analogous to circumcision in the male
In other news, certain tribes in Africa suffer from AIDS and walk through fire to reach manhood and take turns playing "toss the dung" with monkeys.
Finally...
I admit defeat. This indisputable evidence clearly makes a direct coorelation between masturbation and crime.
Ok I lied. Not willing to accept these results, I went and conducted research of my own. As we can see, masturbation leads to eternal (including afterlife) happiness.
Motto of the day, to the hardcore right-winged Christians: Don't hate! Masturbate! 
