Good day all (night right now...oh well). The omnipotent and almighty Asce has decided to aid you all in your troubles. PM me any troubles you have (whether it's a problem on the forum, a problem in your relationships, a problem in school, or even if your cheese has gone sour) and I'll provide insight to the situation that you won't believe was possible!
Please note that not all PMs can be answered to and only the ones deemed most urgent will be tended to first.
Do not be embarrassed about your problems! There is a strict code of confidentiality between us!
Please title all the PMs "Searching for the Help of God..." and begin with "Dear Asce...". FEAR NOT! ALL YOUR TROUBLES ARE SOON TO BE SOLVED!
Disclaimer: This thread may solve none of your problems
As of 2/23/2008 1:36am (EST), this thread has been locked. Do not be confused though as I will still be helping you all with your problems. The thread is merely locked to prevent unnecessary posts from cluttering up the thread.
You may discuss my brilliance in this thread here.
I'm short on cash and i'm tired of whoring out my body to the masses, what should i do?
Dear obviously cannot read,
As stated in red AND bold letters in my previous posts, all cries for help are to be sent to me via PMs on the forums. I recommend you seek help from this site that will help you read. Furthermore, I've seen your pictures and to be honest, whoring your body out to the masses won't get you any money. You'll just be arrested for public nudity, and instead of gaining cash, you'll be losing cash. I recommend you sell naughty pictures of your mom instead. I have seen her, and I guarantee you there will be high demand. (Put me down for 3 please)
With much love,
Dear Asce... my room mates keep clogging the toilet and not resolving the situation. How can I either bring this up with them, that if you clog the toilet it is proper etiquette to unclog said toilet? Or, how would you propose i slip laxatives into their food to make them crap less solid?
Dear Bob -With plumbing issues,
I recommend you buy your roommates a copy of this book. However, remind them that although everybody poops, not everyone's can be used to crack diamonds. Then stick a plunger onto their doors and hang the sign "Candy is dandy, but fruit helps you poop!" from it. If this does not work you must use plan B.
I happen to know many of your roommates are asian, thus it would be quite easy to slip some laxatives into their food. Asians like to drink tea, therefore, it would be in your best interest to mix laxatives (provided you're using white powder laxatives) into the sugar, so that when they add sugar, they are also getting a nice dosage of...stress release. As I'm sure you know, with great power comes great responsibility. Are you ready to accept what comes with your roommates having explosive diarrhea? You set out to unclog the toilet, but are you willing to sacrifice the habitability of the bathroom? If you choose to use plan B, you must be willing to risk that the next time you walk into the bathroom, the toxic gases released from their constant flatulence may cause deterioration of your mind and body.
With much love,
I have had a dream since 5 months ago of becoming a mod of a manga site. I came so close to becoming one and help revive a site, but the site died anyway. Now I think my dreams are shot. What can I do.
Dear Ambitious manga reader,
It is unfortunate that the site you attempted to revive died anyway. But such is the case for many sites, and even human patients. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the show House M.D. but the man is a genius. However, as he shows in a few episodes, being a genius does not guarentee you will save a life. I have seen your test scores and you are in no way a genius (not even close!) so do not be discouraged that you were unable to save a life..I mean a site. However, I can make you feel a little better. Being a moderator isn't all it's cracked out to be. It's a big responsibility. You need to crack down on spammers as shown here, you also need to crack down on people incapable of following the rules as shown here. If those two links did not discourage you from being a moderator, I'm not sure what will. However if you cannot abandon that dream to become a moderator of a mangasite, might i suggest Mangatraders? The admin there responds very well to ass-kissing, as well as lap dances from other males. (You'll want to look for Deadfire or Wilik). Hope this solves your problems!
With much love,
Dear Asce... I drink far to much, I have been trying for the high score for awhile now. Once I even blacked out on a bus and got mugged. Should I cut back my drinking or just go full bore Alcoholic?
I don't think you drink too much. Then again, going full bore alcoholic won't solve anything. I think you should stop drinking or as if you were training for a competition. You are skinny, you won't be winning any drinking contests. Cut back on the drinking a little, limit yourself to twice a week. Remember, when you drink, those around you get harmed. (especially those on IRC, for god sakes man, don't drink and IRC!) If you cannot do this, I recommend you switch to absolut vodka. It tastes so terrible, your alcoholism will be cured. Also, getting mugged on the bus is a bad thing. To prevent this, I suggest carry a taser with you. Drink only until you're on the brink of passing out, but make sure you don't pass out! That is key. Then, if someone shady approaches you, proceed to tase them. This is very effective as shown in this video. And if all else fails...I hear cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Remember kids, drinking doesn't give you a bigger penis. Viagra does!
With much love,
I have begun to develop serious anger issues with certain members of the IRC channel - it often results in actions which would be deemed morally... misguided..
Do you have any suggestions on how else I could vent my anger?
Dear Premenstrual bob,
If you do not wish to harm yourself or others (pussy), then move to a far away location where there is no internet and no civilization so people cannot bother you. (Like Canadia!)
However, if you wish to overcome your problem instead of running away from it...it is in your best interest to make sure the people who piss you off correct their flaws. Failing at that, give them the hotline to assisted suicide (1-800-SUI-CIDE). You'll find your mind at peace when they are gone. However, I just warn you, in the internet, no, in the world, idiots are abundant. If any amount of idiocy bothers you, you are in for a lifetime of misery. You can find one of the people you've helped commit suicide and turn him/her into a punching bag. Then, whenever you need to vent your anger, punch him. (I suggest using whitebeard. As seen from IRC, his body can take a lot of kicking). If this also fails, I believe you should drink. Drink a lot. Drown your sorrows in alcohol, and begin the epic struggle between yourself and your dying liver. In fact, give Woofcat a call and he'll join you and together, on a night out you two can go from bar to bar, and end the night with a pissing contest.
Remember, first one to tag the dog wins!
With much love,
Dear dokta Asce,
I have this problem of a guy who likes me while Im a guy... (you know this annoying faggot)
How the hell do I get rid of him being gay for me, I know beating him up just gives me problems..
(I somehow think he would get kinky of that though..)
I dont get it, why do guys get attracted to guys..?
Can you give me your advice on how to get rid of this guy?
Dear Oddly Homoerotic guy,
I see you're a graduate from the Hooked on Phonics class. Did you get one of these shirts?
At first I was going to suggest your problem was that you were too attractive. Then I realized I am possibly the sexiest being on the earth, and I manage to repel other men, and only attract women, so that can't be the problem. As far as I can tell, the guy obsessed with you is probably some bum off the street. If he thinks you beating him up is kinky, then humor him and beat the crap out of him over and over. If he truly thinks it's kinky, he'll cum his pants every time, and then he won't have any energy left. Eventually, he will pass out. This is your chance to dispose of him. Dump him in the homosexual district of where you live. (I know where you live, basically every other block is a homosexual district). There he will be gang raped constantly. You'll be happy, and he'll be happy. It's a win-win situation.
Now everybody needs their fair share of COCK, but most males are satisfied with just having one. The select ones who need to have MORE than one (as in not just their own) are the problems. As for why guys are attracted to other guys, it has to do with their chromosomes. You see, females have "XX" sex chromosomes while males of "XY" sex chromosomes. I can only explain it as homosexuals have an "X" and a cross between a Y and an X...where the chromatins criss-cross, but do not extent very far, and thus, homosexuals have the appearance of a male, and the bodily functions of one, but the sexual desires of a female.
As a final safety, become a pimp and surround yourself with hoes to discourage gay guys from approaching you.
Remember, the more hoes you have, the more layers of protection you have! (But don't use multiple layers of "protection" as double wrapping results in tearing and...well nevermind).
With much love,
I hope you can assist me, you see, yesterday I logged onto AIM and said hello to my gf, she responded normally, and as I oftenly do I asked her if she wanted me to come over so we could f*ck, but then she responded "Wait.. did you want to speak to my doughter?". I almost fell out of my chair, I just couldn't belieave it.
After that she called her doughter and we talked a bit, but now she says she doesn't wanna be with me anymore, what should I do?
Dear Probably suicidal...Wolf,
First of all let me recommend you to this site here... (you can barely tell that I'm being paid to advertise for them!).
Next, to solve your problem best, I'd need to know the answers to a few questions.
1. How long have you been together?
2. Is there a chance you've been talking to the mom each time on AIM, and whenever you went over to her house to fuck, she (being the girlfriend) was surprised?
3. Doughter=daughter right?
4. How the hell have you gotten laid with 2nd grade language skills? (Does not apply if English is not your 1st or 2nd language)
Now, first of all, just incase this happens again in the future, you'll want to get carpet in you room (if you don't already), so if you do fall out of your chair next time, at least you won't break your tailbone. Also, look into chaining yourself to your chear so you cannot fall out, no matter how shocked you are by an AIM message.
My guess is that the "mother" you spoke to was really the daughter, who has found a cruel way to break up with you...maybe she's pregnant with someone else's child. If so, breathe a sigh of relief. Children are the worst possible outcome of sex, just beating clamidia, AIDS and ghonnerria.
I think she just bitched you so forget about your ex-girlfriend. (Yes. She's you're ex now.) You see...well...girlfriends are like cows. And like cows, they'll start to try to push you too far, all while supplying you with enjoyable milk (sex). Unfortunately, your girlfriend has stopped supplying you with milk, and when you tried to milk her, she kicked you in the face. Now usually, the best thing to do would be to make her into a steak and then move on with your life. However, if you insist on keeping her, you should buy a cattle prod and some strong fencing. She might be upset at first, but soon, she'll be back to delivering milk..and eggs.
And I may be able to give some insight as to why she decided to break up with you. You are using horrendously outdated pick-up lines. "Want me to come over and fuck?" is hardly a pick-up line anymore. You need some new lines, delivered with style. Try, "Nice shoes, wanna fuck?" next time (For more of them, see this). Even if you're chatting over AIM, she'll be so happy you complimented her shoes, she'll completely forget that you cannot see her. Then, you'll be sipping sweet sweet milk within the hour. Either that...or she is a lesbian who would rather have sex with her mom than with you. Or, perhaps her mom wishes the fuck you and made her daughter break up with you. These are all possibilities.
I still recommend you either forget about her, or get her to be obedient with a cattle prod. Remember, even suicidal wolves will eat cows and chickens. May your balls stay a non-blue hue, and may your sperm stay lively!
With much love,
Dear Dr. Asce,
I have a real dilemna. I work nights as a call centre agent and so I'm sitting on my ass for 5 - 6 hours; only getting up once for a break. Now customers are constantly calling and asking me crap like:
"What's wrong with your ****ing company?!" or the prisoners who whisper in my ear:
"Baaaaby...a prison mi deh an' mi just waan hear one likkle sexy voice. Call mi nuh?"
But that's not the problem. My real problem is with my ass. After 4 years of sitting at this friggin' place, my ass is tired of being in pain. I switch butt cheeks from time to time, but it still hurts. I don't wanna stand and work cause I'm too lazy, and I can't lug a cushion from school to here. So what should I do Dr. Asce?
What should I do???????? Suppose my butt gets flat! :| I don't want a flat ass!. I like my ass!
Dear Bubbly butt,
First of all, entertain the bullshit calls you receive. For example, when someone asks "What's wrong with your ****ing company?!" answer honestly. Start by naming the people in middle management...upper management...the CEO...the marketing department...the sales department...the engineering department.. If they're actually still interested, then include the biggest problem of your company, which seems to be the lack of comfortable chairs that don't destroy your ass.
For the calls from prisoners (how the hell do prisoners call you?) get as much information out of them as possible...(name...prison they're in...perhaps even prison address.) and then after he's done trying to hit on you, you can call the prison and say he called you trying to plan an escape. I guarentee you won't receive many calls after that.
Now then, the ass problem. There is an extremely simple fix. I prescribe for you...massage therapy! Each day after work you can come over and I'll work out all the kinks in your ass. This is the best option as switching butt cheeks requires a good sense of balance as well as energy. Instead, you could try arousing yourself at work. You'll forget all about your ass-pains as the feeling of pain will be replaced with the feeling of arousal.
Remember, morale is very important for a successful work environment, so take those few minutes to pleasure yourself!
With much love,